@L|}6CD l0C)HCC WhL/h `CmCDiD`  R@W1  Y0@R !L` D  C D     )16CS S)  C)D1 p p 0 C9DI pCDL~CiCDiD`18HacklebatHasselbladHobblefootHoppelfopHumblenodHappysapHalflingfatHortleforkHalfintactHostilefraudHocklefrockHu}fflebadHoddleflopHalfafezHardofheadHottentotHamaneggsHockyersox10Oh, all right.As you wish.Whatever you say.If I m}ust.I suppose ... just this once.You're the boss.I live to serve.So it shall be written, so it shall be done.I hear and }obey.Well, I guess if there's nothing on my social calendar ...11Uh, uh.Forget it.No can do.Ixnay.No way.Not a chance}.You can't make me.Get outta town.Oh, no you don't.Don't even think about it.Try very hard to be serious, hmm? }sselbladHobblefootHoppelfopHumblenodHappysapHalflingfatHortleforkHalfintactHostilefraudHocklefrockHu3Iggy: [AX22 Wimps hide; companion droids do not!Iggy: Craven! Coward! There isn't room for both of us and I was here first }.Iggy: Hide, Master [AX20? Crawl away like spineless worms? Bury ourselves in garbage like maggots? Slink into the shadows l }ike weasels? Good plan. There's nowhere to hide, but I like the sentiment.3Iggy: You couldn't follow a conversation without } a road map and I don't follow silly orders.Iggy: [AX22 You couldn't follow a train of thought in a Pullman car.Iggy: I don}'t follow anything but Days of Our Lives ... and lop-eared little megalomaniacs.4Iggy: %#$!@)'&#"%Iggy: Oh, this is intole}rable! Imagine how I feel, having abuse heaped upon me by someone who can barely manage to move his lips in sync? I won't put} up with it!Iggy: I can't imagine what prompted that little outburst. How could you say that to me, the only one who ever sa}w past your short, bland exterior to your dumpy, lackluster interior?Iggy: Well! Rudeness is never a substitute for lobal fu}nction!; companion droids do not!Iggy: Craven! Coward! There isn't room for both of us and I was here first3Iggy: I'm a companion droid, Master [AX20, not a sumo wrestler.Iggy: You must be joking. Tarnish myself on some puerile Ra }mbo fantasy of yours? Imagine the scratches!Iggy: First you annihilated the Andromeda Doria. Then you oblitered the lifepod. } And now this. In fairly short order, Master [AX20, we're going to run out of playthings, now aren't we?3Iggy: Is there som }e unspoken animosity on your part of which I should be aware? Goodness knows I've tried to live up to your unrealistic expect }ations; your meglomaniac rantings; your depraved tyranny. And for what?Iggy: Oh, so this is how I'm to be repaid. I never co }mplain about the rancid oatmeal in my delineators. I never mention the fact that you devestated the Andromeda Doria! And all }my silent suffering has earned me only abuse.Iggy: And so, insanely jealous of his multi-talented companion, the cruel maste }r is driven to an act of physical violence. But, being short and flaccid, his only recourse is to convince the unsuspecting d }roid to do it for him.3Iggy: Really, Master, I couldn't. BIFF! What about my prime directive? BLOWWEE! What would my progra }mmers say? KABLAMM! Please don't make me hurt you. KRRAAK! Please don't make me hurt you again.Iggy: HAI-YAA! A right to the } jaw! HAI-YAA! A double round-house with a flying camel-clutch! KAAIII - CHOP! Another blow to the kneecaps! There now. Quite } satisfying really. Shall we continue, or shall I assist to your feet first?Iggy: I used to know how to do this. Let me look } it up. Ah, here it is under "Termination of Employment". Step one: uppercut to the jaw. Like this! Step two: forearm smash t }o the midgut. Thus!! Did I do that correctly? !}0, not a sumo wrestler.Iggy: You must be joking. Tarnish myself on some puerile Ra *3Iggy: [AX22 I find the very idea of ingestion disgusting. And you have the table manners of a trash compacter. Count me out#}, hmm?Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. I even [AX13. I do NOT masticate!Iggy: Junkfood! Surely you aren't suggesting $}that I join you in this little gastronomic misadventure?3Iggy: Will you hold your head still! How do you expect me to keep %}my footing? And when are you going to do something about that bald spot? I could slip to my death! Oh, let's just forget it!&}Iggy: If you took the time to read your owner's manual you'd see that gravity repulsors are only included in Special Options '}Package "E".Iggy: The fact that I [AX13 isn't good enough for you anymore? Now you want me to levitate?3Iggy: Off-hand I'd(} say you're already as low as you can go.Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. I [AX13. I do NOT excavate bomb shelters.Ig)}gy: We've been going downhill since you wrecked the Andromeda Doria. Enough is enough!2Iggy: Believe it or not, Master [AX2*}0, they make tools for the express purpose of opening tins.Iggy: Be reasonable, Master. I [AX12. I [AX13. I'm everything a g+}ood companion droid is supposed to be. But I draw the line at electric can-opener.,}idea of ingestion disgusting. And you have the table manners of a trash compacter. Count me out15Iggy: Is this your idea of a good time? It figures. You're [AX10 and you have [AX11.Iggy: Are you nuts? What am I saying?.} This is the semi-humanoid who destroyed a perfectly good space ship with 40 million light years left on its warranty.Iggy: /}Doesn't it bother you that you're the only being in the quadrant who takes 45 minutes deciding whether to bite the round or t0}he flat end of his toast first?Iggy: Always eager to comply, Master. You know that. No matter how trivial the demand may see1}m. No matter how foolish. No matter how ridiculous, infantile, untutored, depraved or demented.Iggy: Are you still here? You2}'re always skulking along behind me.Iggy: What are you whining about now?Iggy: Do you lie awake at night dreaming up these 3}twisted little schemes?Iggy: Is there no end to your megalomaniac little demands?Iggy: You again? What is it this time? You4}'re already 4 weeks ahead on your allowance.Iggy: He walks. He talks. He's as close to real life as modern science can make 5}him.Iggy: Waagh! Don't ever sneak up on me like that again.Iggy: You surprise me. I didn't know you could form syllables.I6}ggy: When I told you not to talk with your mouth full, I didn't mean for you to empty your entire head.Iggy: Very good, Mast7}er [AX20. I see your vocabulary is improving.Iggy: Oh this is great! It was bad enough when you couldn't walk and talk. Now 8}you can't talk and think.ood time? It figures. You're [AX10 and you have [AX11.Iggy: Are you nuts? What am I saying?!2Iggy: At last, a worthwhile decision! I'll take us back to a time before you made all those other regrettable decisions.Ig:}gy: Quite right. Our current situation is intolerable. I only hope that there's something in my memory banks more suited to y;}our particular lack of talent.7Iggy: Nursemaid, mentor and lackey isn't good enough. Now you want me to take inventory, too<}? In my dorsal receptacle, I've got Iggy: Let's see, you have [AX11, and you're also [AX10. Oh, you want to know what I'm ca=}rrying? I've got Iggy: Never mind me. What, pray tell, are you carrying? Oh, all right. I'm lugging around Iggy: If you spe>}nt half the time getting us out of this mess that you do on worrying about your precious junk, we'd be in a bar on Orios suck?}ing up synthetic olives by now. I've got Iggy: Sure, pick this up. Pick that up. What does it matter to you? You can't even @}be bothered to remember! Does this jog anything? I'm holding Iggy: Yes, by all means check on your priceless windfalls? QuitA}e a tempting selection. We can never be too careful can we? Especially when we have Iggy: "Are you fulfilled as a sensitive B}and caring entity, dear devoted Iggy?" Oh no, you'd never dream of worrying yourself about that. What am I compared to your pC}recious trophies? I'm struggling along with D}ision! I'll take us back to a time before you made all those other regrettable decisions.Ig!3Iggy: [AX22 I'm not the type of droid who gossips.Iggy: I didn't spend 2 years in a linguistics programmer so I could spooF}nfeed regurgitated verbage to intellectual infants.Iggy: Why me? Did your tongue get lonely up there all by itself and leaveG}?3Iggy: Didn't destroying the Andromeda Doria teach you anything? Don't play with things until you've read the instructionsH}! This planet's been through enough.[AX60 There. I used it. I used it again. Happy? Can we get on with this now?Iggy: I reaI}lize it's an unprecedented concept, Master. But why don't you try using your head instead? No, you're probably right. The strJ}ain might break it.7Iggy: Orders! Orders! Always orders. Never a simple request. Oh, no.Iggy: Well, you could at least tryK} to be a little more polite!Iggy: What's the magic word?Iggy: I'm a companion droid, not a serf droid. I'm sensitive. I'm sL}elf-motivated. Orders are an affront to my dignity.Iggy: I don't wish to appear truculent, but I would appreciate a slight rM}ewording of that officious little edict.Iggy: Would you mind rephrasing that as a request? This whole master/servant businesN}s is so tawdry.Iggy: Yes Master. I am but a humble droid after all. Of course I'll jump to satisfy your every whim. What neeO}d have I of common courtesy? of droid who gossips.Iggy: I didn't spend 2 years in a linguistics programmer so I could spoo3Iggy: Good idea, Master. It's quite likely that you'll make some kind of fatal error in the next few minutes. It's best to Q}save our current position in my memory banks.Iggy: Very well, Master. Just let me store all the appropriate data, and at som R}e future crisis we can travel back in time to this exact moment. Time travel is only one of my many talents. I am Iggy. I am S}perfect.Iggy: Undoubtedly a wise precaution. We haven't got the best of track records, now have we?8Iggy: Clock watcher! G T}et us off this planet first, then worry about your abyssmal efficiency rating. A pathetic Iggy: You're still alive if that's U} what's worrying you ... barely. You'd better get us off this planet soon! You efficiency is a woefully inadequate Iggy: Loo V}k at that! I've seen diving competitions with higher scores. A degrading Iggy: Why do you put yourself through the embarassm W}ent of reading my efficiency report? If you must know, I've rated you at Iggy: Nosy! So you want a peek at my efficiency rep X}ort, hm? Well it's not a pretty sight, is it? A miserable Iggy: Look at the time! We should have been off this cosmic toilet Y} bowl hours ago. Stop stalling! So far your escape attempt has only earned a rating of Iggy: Since you wantonly destroyed th Z}e Andromeda Doria, and the lifepod, and marooned us here without hope of succor, you've only managed to scrape up an efficien [}cy rating of Iggy: I've been keeping careful records of your attempt to save us from certain death in this smog. You'll have \} to do better than e likely that you'll make some kind of fatal error in the next few minutes. It's best to $3Iggy: Look, Master! This isn't a glass thing. It's an old bottle. Oh dear, there's something happening in the water. I can $^}see little eye stalks rising up. Crabs, Master, ... thousands of tiny crabs, scuttling onto the shore.Iggy: Just as I suspec$_}ted. I don't have a glass thing in my receptacle; I've got a bottle. Have you noticed the crabs? They seem to be everywhere, $`}with more crawling up onto the shore by the second. They're looking at me! Do something!Iggy: No wait ... strike that. I've $a}just taken a bottle, a filthy slimy muddy old bottle. How enchanting. What's even more enchanting are the hordes of crabs who$b}'ve taken up residence on the shore.5Iggy: What are you doing, Master [AX20? Need I remind you that dying can seriously aff$c}ect your efficiency rating?Iggy: Stop that this instant! Don't you dare die and leave me all alone in this celestial armpit!$d} Have some consideration!Iggy: Oh, there he goes again. As soon as the going gets tough old [AX20 starts snuffing it. I've b$e}een in worse spots than this, and you don't see me dying all over the place. Get hold of yourself! Show some backbone!Iggy: $f}Master [AX20, are you aware that your life-readings have dropped off the scale? I'm not an expert on sub-standard physiology,$g} but I can only conclude that you are attempting to disfunction yourself in some manner.Iggy: You'll simply have to speak up$h} if you expect me to hear you, Master [AX20. Why are you making those horrid little burbling sounds? And why are your eyes bu$i}lging out? It's extremely rude!lass thing. It's an old bottle. Oh dear, there's something happening in the water. I can $$2Iggy: Look at that. The cork landed right in the hole. It's a pretty good fit, too.Iggy: You know Master, this cork might (k}be just the thing for plugging that hole. There. Good as new.6Iggy: Thank goodness. For a while there you wouldn't respond (l}to stimuli. You didn't digest, ingest, excrete, respire or locomote. You weren't persuing homeostasis and you absolutely refu(m}sed to evolve. I had to carry you here.Iggy: Ah, Master [AX20. I performed an emergency brain bypass and brought you to safe(n}ty, but frankly, I think your chances of being anything but roughage are quite slim. Nod your cauliflower, there's a good boy(o}.Iggy: Don't you EVER die on me again! I don't like it here any more than you do. Where are your manners? I had to drag you (p}here. Do you have any idea how much that flaccid little body of yours weighs?Iggy: Oh, so we're finally coming around. You p(q}icked a fine time to die and leave me all alone. It's your fault we're in this mess in the first place. Wipe your nose. Stop (r}dribbling! I hate it when you dribble.Iggy: Well! I had to carry you here all by myself. Would you help? No. You dragged you(s}r feet the whole way. I ask you to do a simple thing like hold the pacemaker while I glue it in and who doesn't even bother t(t}o answer?Iggy: Welcome back, Master [AX20. When I saw that you were dying anyway, I found a rabid gerbil and switched your b(u}rains. I hope the upgrade is agreeable. The gerbil's considerably upset, of course.(v}d right in the hole. It's a pretty good fit, too.Iggy: You know Master, this cork might ($2Iggy: I can't believe it! First you decimated the Andromeda Doria. Then you trashed the lifepod. And now you're sinking the,x} jacuzzi! How could you forget about the hole? Straining water through that addled pate of yours won't solve anything!Iggy: ,y}We're filling up with water! I told you there was a hole in the jacuzzi but you wouldn't listen! We're going to drown like ra,z}ts. Oh, how ignominious. I hope no one's watching. Would you stop drowning for one minute and listen to me?3Iggy: The crabs,{} have cut us off! We'll die here! Oh, it's all right for you. You're [AX10 and you have [AX11. All in all, I'd say you were f,|}ortunate to end your life as an entree for these mobile sea-food buffets. But what about me?Iggy: The horrid little shellfis,}}h have surrounded us. They're getting closer! Do something! Stop drooling. Do something else.Iggy: Crabs everywhere. They're,~} all around us, scuttling and sidling towards us. I wonder why crabs always sidle? Have you noticed that? Take the one eating,} your shoes for instance. Look at it sidle. Fascinating.2Iggy: That's funny. I'm getting a reading from the lifepod you rui,}ned. It must be floating right beside us. Good thing its high-altitude swan dive ended in the water and not a nice soft bed o,}7abhorrently myopicdismally substandardoffensively shortquite devoid of simple motor coordinationterminally ineptchroni}cally pinheadedtotally lacking in oral hygiene9hideously poor posturesimian knucklesa grossly inadequate musculaturespi}ndly legsno chinonly one eyebrowknobby kneesa balding pateall the panache of a catatonic slug9carry enormous burdensr}ecord efficiency ratingsclassify flora and faunatake atmosphere samplesplay checkerscoo placatinglyprovide translations}administer prudent warningsconceptualize 5th dimensional quantum mechanics8read poetryneedlepointremove splintersapprai}se finger paintingsperform emergency appendectomiessculpt little animals in silly puttyburn toastwatch you for signs of s}entient lifeicdismally substandardoffensively shortquite devoid of simple motor coordinationterminally ineptchronif trash like ours did.Iggy: Guess what, Master. That lifepod you murdered has come back to haunt you. I'm getting a reading ,}from the water right beside us. The signal's pretty weak. Its door must be open or I wouldn't be receiving it at all.,}u decimated the Andromeda Doria. Then you trashed the lifepod. And now you're sinking the,$2Iggy: The ugly little brutes are taking the bottle away. They're swarming all over me, leaving crab droppings on my finish!0} Stop whining! So they're eating you? Big deal. It'll take me forever to polish out these scratches.Iggy: I knew you couldn'0}t be trusted to get us out of this. The crabs are attacking. They're hauling your precious bottle back to the water. Don't st0}and there with crabs hanging off your nose. Say something.2Iggy: Yes! The crabs have taken the bottle and left us alone. I 0}think I'm going to miss them. They're cleaner than you. Please, Master, you don't have to keep thanking me. Acts of heroic ge0}nius are all in a day's work.Iggy: The crabs are chittering quietly to themselves. They seem to be having some sort of confe0}rence. It worked! The crabs are scuttling away with the bottle. No need to thank me. Saving lives IS my life.3Iggy: Sensors0} reveal the presence of a Galactic Ordinance Warning Buoy. Hmm. A Class 7 Restricted Zone. The manual says it's inimical to a0}ll motile entities. No exceptions. Area of zero-contact. No exceptions.Iggy: According to my sensors, Master, we're approach0}ing the warning buoy of a Class 7 Restricted Zone. Something to do with horrendously lethal lifeforms ... or total annihilati0}on ... something like that.Iggy: I'm getting a signal from a warning buoy. No big deal. Those pencil necks in Galactic Ordin0}ance plop these buoys down everywhere. If the area's so restricted, why don't they make any provisions for prosecuting trespa0}ssers?aking the bottle away. They're swarming all over me, leaving crab droppings on my finish!0$3just gobbled it up. How disgusting. No antipasto, no red wine, no napkin.finished that off pretty fast. Maybe we should se4}nd out for Chinese now.devoured it. There's no accounting for taste.2Iggy: Look at that, Master [AX20. A host of wriggling4} salamanders just made off with the sardine. Good riddance, I say.Iggy: I don't know where they came from, but a swarm of bu4}gs is crawling all over the sardine. Oops. Sardine's gone. So are the bugs. I've got an idea. Why don't we lay you out and se4}e if they come back?5Iggy: That kitten must really be hungry; it's eaten the sardine I dropped.Iggy: Your pet tabby just a4}te the sardine. It must really like fish!Iggy: Well, the kitten enjoyed that sardine. It's purring and looking up at me expe4}ctantly.Iggy: The sardine is gone. The kitten looks pretty contented. How can felines stand to eat something that never clos4}es its eyes?Iggy: The kitten is gobbling up the sardine like it hasn't eaten in a week. Fish seem to agree with it.4}w disgusting. No antipasto, no red wine, no napkin.finished that off pretty fast. Maybe we should se43Iggy: Nothing seems to be happening, Master [AX20.Iggy: Sensors reveal no environmental change. Are you sure you read the 8}instructions carefully?Iggy: Zero effect. Zero effect. No discernible change in status. [0 [PR303Iggy: A tinny little tune8} is jangling out from the music box: "How Much is that Doggy in the Window?". Please Master, close the box. I don't think I c8}an stand another verse!Iggy: The plunky refrains of "Doggy in the Window" are eminating from the box. Some sort of electro- 8}mechanical harmonics simulator, I'd guess. How crude.Iggy: The box is playing "Doggy in the Window". Not a bad interpretatio8}n.2Iggy: Goodness, Master! A horrible monstrosity is rushing at us from the shadows! It's a drog! Why didn't you pay attent8}ion to that warning buoy? Nothing can survive a drog-attack! Nothing!Iggy: Master? Is that you breathing down my neck? I did8}n't think so. Aaaagh! It's a junkyard drog! The meanest creature in the universe. Yard-long teeth, disgusting breath, atrocio8}us social etiquette. Oh, why didn't I stay on Regulon III?3Iggy: Good news, Master. The drog passed right by me and started8} on you. Ah, I can see the tears of relief in your myopic little eyes. Master? Do you really think it's advisable to place yo8}urself in the drog's mouth like that?Iggy: Look out! Too late. Really, Master, you should do something about those reflexes 8}of yours. And you should have paid more attention to that warning buoy.Iggy: The drog's attacking. Do something! Really, Mas8}ter. It's eating you alive and all you can do is stand there screaming "Iggy! Iggy!". Hardly an effective deterrent.8}Master [AX20.Iggy: Sensors reveal no environmental change. Are you sure you read the 8'2Iggy: Look at that, Master [AX20. The battery fell right into place in the receptacle. It's a pretty good fit, too, like th<}ey were made for each other.Iggy: You know, Master, this battery looks like it might be compatible with this electronic conf<}iguration ... just a minute ... yes. It fits in there perfectly.2Iggy: The drog seems unwilling to let us proceed. He's gro<}wling at me. Perhaps you'd like to go first?Iggy: I wouldn't advise budging from this spot, Master [AX20. The drog is watchi<}ng your every move quite carefully. I think he likes you.3Iggy: How gauche. The drog is crooning in time to the music and g<}amboling about contentedly. "Doggy in the Window", indeed! Its taste in music is even worse than yours.Iggy: The monstrous c<}reature seems enchanted with the music from the box. Its mouth is closed and it's ... it's purring, Master. Pity. I had the c<}ameras all set to record your epic last stand.Iggy: That's odd. The drog seems not the least interested in breakfast. Its ma<}mmoth scaly body is swaying in time with that awful, tinny music; it's tapping its clawed toes and snapping its clawed finger<}s.r [AX20. The battery fell right into place in the receptacle. It's a pretty good fit, too, like th<4Iggy: I can hear the hum of and crackle of electrical power. It's vorking, Master. Ze creature liffs!Iggy: Sensors reveal @}an electrical discharge, Master. 1.6 megawatts ... 1.8 ... 2.1 ... 2.7 ... it's really cooking!Iggy: High voltage electron t@}ransfer. Electron transfer. Conductivity positive.Iggy: I can feel the electrical current in the air. There's a lot of juice@} flowing through here.3Iggy: That electrical discharge is dropping , Master [AX20. 2.6 megawatts ... 2.2 ... 1.7 ... 0.0. T@}hat's it, show's over.Iggy: No more fireworks. Sorry, Master, the spark is gone. It happens.Iggy: Negative conductivity. Hi@}gh voltage transfer complete. Transfer complete.2Iggy: Whoah! Did you see that arc? It's a good thing my ambulators are ins@}ulated or I'd be cinders by now. What's wrong, Master? Can't I even give you a friendly slap on the back anymore? Tch, tch. Y@}ou really should wear rubber soles.Iggy: Aaagh! Do you realize how much juice is flowing through there? I almost fried mysel@}f. Stop smoking and jerking around like that. This is no time for dancing.2Iggy: Just out of curiosity, Master, why don't I@} see if that fuel fits in the port. Hm. Slides in here ... quarter turn to the right ... there! I knew my mechanical engineer@}ing program would pay off.Iggy: Fuel's no good on the floor, Master! Honestly. It belongs here in the fuel port. There now, @}isn't that better? I don't know what you'd do without me.@}ackle of electrical power. It's vorking, Master. Ze creature liffs!Iggy: Sensors reveal @$3Iggy: I can hear the rush and gurgle of water outside the pod. Brace yourself, Master, we're in for a rough ride. The pod'sD} being tossed around. Wait a minute. I think it's lessening. Yes. It seems to be all over.Iggy: Goodness, I can hear water oD}utside! The pod must be completely submerged. I hope the bulkheads can hold up to this turbulence. The pod is rocking back anD}d forth! Good, it finally subsided. I can't hear anything outside.Iggy: We're submerged. The pod's bouncing around like a coD}rk in white-water. We're going to die! Do something! ... Never mind. The pod seems to have come to rest. You can get your heaD}d out from between your knees now.2Iggy: Master! I can hear the trickle of water. The walls are beginning to shake! I don'tD} think I like the sound of this.Iggy: Just as a matter of interest, Master [AX20, every indication points to an immediate inD}surge of water. Nothing to worry about I'm sure. Five ... maybe six million gallons.2Iggy: Warning! Warning! Inappropriate D}ignition sequence! Thruster overload! Warning!Iggy: Where did you learn how to fly these babies? You can't just jump into anD} ignition sequence at full thrust! She's going to blow! Do something!D}d gurgle of water outside the pod. Brace yourself, Master, we're in for a rough ride. The pod'sD3Iggy: The ship's thrusters have engaged. It's bucking and shaking. I hope this old rattletrap holds together. We're going uH}p!Iggy: We're lifting off. I can't believe this piece of junk actually works. Shuddering and groaning. It sounds just like tH}he noises your head makes when you wake up.Iggy: Fascinating! After 200 years the thrusters still work. I only hope the restH} of the ship is as functional because we're lifting off.3Iggy: The ship is setting down. And none too gently I might add! YH}ou have all the subtlety of a Kamikaze instructor. Well, at least it stayed upright.Iggy: The tremble is subsiding. ThrusterH}s disengaged. Talk about a short flight. I didn't have time to order a second drink.Iggy: Sequence stepdown. Liftoff abortedH}. Liftoff aborted. [0 [PR302Iggy: Warning! Cooling system failure. Thruster superheat! Warning!Iggy: Don't you find it ratH}her warm in here? And the smell. Very odd. That's just the way it smells when the cooling system of an old Class 6 fails. AndH} then the thrusters overheat. Terrible mess.2Iggy: Warning! Cabin pressure dropping. Seal incomplete. Warning!Iggy: MasterH}, have you noticed the drop in air pressure? Ah, I can see by the bulgy look of your eyes that you're surprised at my findingH}s. Well, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.H} engaged. It's bucking and shaking. I hope this old rattletrap holds together. We're going uH!2Iggy: Look what you've done! The ship is blowing up! That's it. I'm never getting into another vessel with you again. No, mL}y mind's made up. Crying won't help. And neither will falling down and screaming horribly.Iggy: Danger! Fuel ignited. Cabin L}temperature 100 degrees ... 120 ... 140 ... 160. System implosion! Fatal environment. Fatal environment.1Iggy: Internal atmL}osphere evacuated. Bulkhead distortion. Cabin environment non life-sustaining. Danger! [0 Iggy: I can't believe it! You left L}the airlock open! The ship's a wreck! Stop turning blue and listen to me!2Iggy: Oh dear. That vial was extremely fragile, wL}asn't it? It smashed into a million pieces. The liquid is all bubbling away.Iggy: The vial didn't survive the fall. All the L}dessicant is boiling away. I wonder if it would help your chronic sniffling.1Iggy: Look, Master! The amoebae are drying up L}and falling away. The dessicant worked. We're saved! Once again the clever companion droid's quick thinking saves the day. NoL} need to thank me, Master. Acts of genius are all in a day's work. L}ne! The ship is blowing up! That's it. I'm never getting into another vessel with you again. No, mL2Iggy: Look out, Master. There's something slithering over the side. Oh, yuck! Amoebae! Giant, mutant amoebae ... hundreds oP}f them. We must have run right into their breeding grounds! The horrid creatures are filling the jacuzzi.Iggy: Ever seen a fP}our inch amoeba, Master? Well, there's one on your shoulder. And on your shoe. Disgusting! There are hundreds of giant amoebaP}e pouring into the jacuzzi! We're going to be ingested! I just know it!2Iggy: Oh dear, I do wish you'd done something else.P} The amoebae are ingesting you of course. Not a pretty sight. Protoplasm soup.Iggy: Really, Master! You've got amoebae in yoP}ur nose. And would you take those things out of your mouth. You've no idea where they've been. How many times must I tell youP} not to put protoplasm in your ear?3Iggy: We're sinking! I knew there was too much weight in the jacuzzi! But oh no, you haP}d to keep piling it in! Piling it in! Well I hope you're satisfied now!Iggy: The jacuzzi's sinking. There's too much ballastP} in here. There's only one thing to do. Get rid of the dead weight. There. Stop complaining; I saved the jacuzzi and you needP}ed a bath anyway.Iggy: The jacuzzi's too heavy! We're going under! I don't want to drown! Let go of my arm. This is the onlyP} way. Besides, it's your fault that we're sinking. There! Perfect swan-dive, Master. I'll give that a five.P} something slithering over the side. Oh, yuck! Amoebae! Giant, mutant amoebae ... hundreds oP!8Coot: You won't get off this planet. It's broken. I tried to fix it. Wires and wires. No juice. It won't go!Coot: My pet'sT} hungry. Have you seen my pet? You stole it! You lured it away! Do as I say and I'll let you live.Coot: No one gets past me!T} Spies! You're spying on me. Well, you won't find my secret. It's hidden. Big fish, little fish. Hee hee hee.Coot: I've seenT} it! The beast. I got away. I know its secret. It'll eat you if you see it. And I'll strangle you if you lie.Coot: I know whT}at you want and I'm not telling. First you have to get by me. I'm too clever. I've lived here for years. Clever me.Coot: CanT} you swim? I've seen where the water goes. You'll drown. You'll ckoke. I like choking.Coot: Do you like my smog? It's mine. T}It hides me. Trash and smog. No one sees me.Coot: How did you get here? The door was closed. Well, you won't get away. I've T}got strong fingers.10You're a spy, aren't you? Answer me or I'll choke you. Didn't it? Yes or no?How many toes do you haveT}? [0 Iggy: He's got fourteen. [0 Coot: Is that true? Is that true?Is the tin man one of them? Don't make me throttle. I hateT} throttling! Is he?You don't know who I am, do you? I'll make you talk! Answer the question! No or yes?Are you crazy? Hm? AT}re you? Hm?Are you real? Answer me! Do you have a comb? Yes or no?Yes or no? Do I have to squeeze it out of you? I like squT}eezing.You can't find it, can you? Tell me no. Don't tell me yes!Are you afraid of me? No? Do I make you wheeze, just like T}my smog? Do I?Couldn't it? Shouldn't it? Wouldn't it?U}It's broken. I tried to fix it. Wires and wires. No juice. It won't go!Coot: My pet'sT'2Back! Back! Tell him! Tell the tin man or I'll snap your neck! [0 Iggy: You mean if I were to step forward like this, you'dY} choke poor old Master [AX20? [0 Coot: Yes. Yes. Choke him! [0 Iggy: How interesting.[0 Iggy: Tell him to get lost, Master [Y}AX20. [0 Coot: Tell him "back", [AX20! [0 Iggy: Lost, [AX20, lost! [0 Coot: Back, [AX20, back!2I need a sling-stacker. GiveY} me a sling-stacker or you've had it! No ... a coupon. That's it! Give me a coupon for a sling-stacker or you've had it!A reY}al friend would give us presents. A coupon. It's me birfday. Give us a coupon. Hee hee hee. Twenty nine today.2Iggy: I don'Y}t know where he came from, Master, but a crazy old coot has encircled your neck with his grimy fingers. He's trying to hide bY}ehind you but I can smell him. I don't think the old geezer's taken a bath in years.Iggy: Company, Master. There's a scrawnyY} old coot beside you. Well, on top of you really. No, now he's hiding behind you. His fingers are locked about your throat anY }d he's drooling on your lapel quite threateningly. How quaint.3Coot: Spies! I knew it! Well, you won't get away from me. I'Y }ll make you stop! How do you like that? Can't breathe, can you? Tighter and tighter!Coot: This'll loosen your tongue! [0 IggY }y: What an alarming shade of purple you're turning, Master. [0 Coot: Shut up, tin man, or the midget dies! [0 Iggy: Promises,Y } promises.Coot: You can't have anymore smog! It's mine. [0 Iggy: I'm fully prepared to stop this old coot from choking you tY }o death, Master. Just give the word. What was that? I can't hear when you mumble and cough like that.Y}n or I'll snap your neck! [0 Iggy: You mean if I were to step forward like this, you'dX'1Iggy: Really, Master. You can stop snivelling and groveling now. The mean old coot is gone. Oh, there there. Did the bad ma]}n frighten us?10Iggy: He's bluffing, Master. He won't kill you. Trust me.Iggy: Yes or no? No or yes? Dun dun dun daaaa! Fo]}r 20,000 credits and a chance at our grand prize, what is your answer?Iggy: The answer is yes, Master [AX20. Trust me.Iggy:]} No! The answer is no! I love a good game of twenty questions.Iggy: The joke's on you, you old coot. You can't starve my mas]}ter's brain for oxygen. It never developed the taste for it!Iggy: On the off chance that old [AX20 answers wrong, Mr. Coot, ]}sir, are you in the market for a good companion droid? I don't do windows.Iggy: You'd better let my master go. Don't force h]}im to bruise your fingers with his Adam's apple.Iggy: Master, really! Will you leave that poor old man alone and come on.Ig]}gy: We don't care what you do to Hocklefrock. No one's going to tell you anything! Right, Master?Iggy: Go ahead and choke hi]}m. He's got nothing to live for anyway.2Iggy: Are you aware that you're sinking into the trash? Stop bellowing, I can hardl]}y hear myself process. My, my, you certainly are emotional. So you have giant pincers on your legs? There's no call to shout ]}like a lunatic.Iggy: Please, Master [AX20. It's extremely rude to disappear into the trash while someone is speaking to you!]} And what could you possibly hope to gain by wallowing under the garbage and screaming?]} snivelling and groveling now. The mean old coot is gone. Oh, there there. Did the bad ma\$1Coot: Yes! I have the coupon. It's mine now. Mine! I know a domestic droid who'll trade 6 blundorker coupons for just one oa}f these.1Iggy: The ship's going up, up, up! I think we're going to make it! Look, Master, stars! Master? Will you scrape yoa}urself off the floor and look at the stars? Some pilot! A few dozen extra G's and old [AX20 falls apart!1Iggy's Log: [0 109a}58.51 [0 After an inexcusably feeble attempt at escaping the planet Dispozon, Master [AX20 has not only obliterated himself, a }but the only viable transport as well. I have no choice but to give him a rating of 1Iggy's Log: [0 10958.51 [0 Largely thra!}ough my own efforts, and some minor contributions by my master, we have escaped the planet Dispozon. Even though it was [AX20a"}'s fault in the first place, I've rated his efficiency at 1Iggy: Leave? Now? After all I went through to get here? Not on ya#}our life! This ship isn't going anywhere without Iggy, Companion Droid extraordinaire! a$}coupon. It's mine now. Mine! I know a domestic droid who'll trade 6 blundorker coupons for just one o`2Iggy: Oh, oh, the kitten's escaped! It's going on a rampage! I didn't think it was a good idea to take prisoners. The little&}e monster's nicked my finish. Look at that! Master, would please stop playing scratching post and look.Iggy: Run for your lie'}fe! The kitten's loose! Tch, tch. Far too slow, Master. Keep your left up. It got past your guard again! And again. It's onlye(} a guess, but perhaps you'd move quicker with the use of both arms and legs.1Iggy: Now that's a hungry kitten! It's haulinge)} away the giant herring. The whole wall of trash is crashing down! The ground's shaking, dust is flying. I can't see a thing e*}anymore! Wait a minute ... it's beginning to clear.3Iggy: Master [AX20, I hate to bring this up, but the trash around us ape+}pears to be moving. [0 Iggy: Warning! Indeterminate sub-surface life readings! Warning! [0 [PR30Iggy: Oh dear, Master. The te,}rash on the ground is bumping up and heaving as though it were alive. I'm not certain, but don't we have an appointment to kee-}ep ... somewhere else.Iggy: The ground is shaking. There are ripples of rotted garbage moving in our direction. I think there.}e's something down there, Master. Shall we investigate? That scrabbling sound seems interesting enough.e/}scaped! It's going on a rampage! I didn't think it was a good idea to take prisoners. The littld10Barnacles and bilge rats!Avast there, me hearties!Ware the boom! Man the port guns!Carve out 'is liver an' tie 'im to ti1}he main!Hard into the Nor' wester!Break out the hardtack and rum!Eye to the topgallant, Bosun!Blast me eyes, you lubbers!i2}Sheet down the mizzen.Hard by the reef points, you scurvies!11Iggy: You may precede me.Iggy: I suppose it beats standingi3} around here.Iggy: Oh, very well. But let's be done with this pointless walking about once and for all.Iggy: Looking for thi4}e little boys' room, are we?Iggy: What and leave all this? Let's get going!Iggy: Suits me. It wasn't my idea to come here ii5}n the first place.Iggy: Coin came up heads again? Off we go.Iggy: Do you really need the humiliation of picking the wrong di6}irection again? Oh, all right, I'm coming.Iggy: I don't know. In this poor light even someone with twice your eyesight and 4i7} times your brains could get lost. A debauched gerbil might make it. Let's get it over with.Iggy: You know, even ostriches hi8}ave the good sense to stay put when they can't see a thing. Let's go.Iggy: Of course, on to certain doom in the ochre smog oi9}f Dispozon. Horrible creatures... deadly fumes... what will get us first?i:}vast there, me hearties!Ware the boom! Man the port guns!Carve out 'is liver an' tie 'im to th4Iggy: Careen headlong into a filthy heap of detritus on some infantile whim of yours? It's okay for you ... your appearancem<} is obviously unworth preserving. I've got my finish to think of. Imagine the dents.Iggy: Why go to all the trouble of crashm=}ing through a wall of debris? You're short enough to walk under it. You see? I am programmed to make clever retorts as well am>}s astute observations, while you, alas, are merely short.Iggy: You'll have to go on without me, Master [AX20. I'm afraid I lm?}eft my mountaineering gear back on Sirius 12. Besides, I hate it when you sweat.Iggy: It's fortunate that at least one of usm@} has the good sense not to attempt a frontal assault on a million ton wall of trash.4Iggy: Even I find it difficult to walkmA} on water at times. Metal has a higher density than water. Casings rust. Circuits short out. Droids become paperweights. If ImB} weren't so trusting, I might believe you meant to harm me.Iggy: Wait, let me guess. "I'd gladly accompany you, Iggy, but somC}meone has to tell the lifeguards where you went down." Am I close?Iggy: Excellent solution. "Oh dear, we are lost. Quickly, mD}drown yourself, Iggy."Iggy: It's all clear to me now. I'm the only one who knows that you obliterated the Andromeda Doria. ImE} alone saw you destroy the lifepod. Only I can attest to your gross inability to effect an escape. So you want to drown me. ImF}s that it?lthy heap of detritus on some infantile whim of yours? It's okay for you ... your appearancel!3Iggy: Believe me, Master [AX20. We're already as far in as we're likely to get.[AX60 We're already in!Iggy: Master [AX20,qH} one of the basic characteristics of sentient life is an awareness of environment. That is out. This is in. Next week we'll lqI}earn about reverse peristalsis.3Iggy: I've never been one to argue; you know that. But don't you think it's just a bit cramqJ}ped in here for cardinal directions?Iggy: If I knew where it was I'd go there in a minute. Anywhere beats this place. But myqK} compass isn't working ... nothing serious. I am, after all, perfect.[AX60 I can't tell north from south in here.3Iggy: ReqL}ally! I can [AX12, and even [AX13. But I refuse to lower myself to the status of outboard motor!Iggy: Yes, I see your plan nqM}ow. We'll hook ourselves to a passing garbage scow, get towed to the nearest civilized port, hop a trans-galactic to SetticoqN}n IV and beg the mad emperor for his fastest ship! Simple, but elegant.Iggy: This jacuzzi is so much like the Andromeda DoriqO}a, now alas, utterly decimated by persons unnamed. It's got a big hole in it, just like the Doria. And neither of them has a qP}source of propulsion. Although, the Doria used to.qQ}20. We're already as far in as we're likely to get.[AX60 We're already in!Iggy: Master [AX20,p5Iggy: Aye, aye, Cap'n. Cast off those lines! Arr, this shoehorn be a sorry substitute for a rower's regret! [GO10 We're saiuS}ling blind, Cap'n!Iggy: This shoehorn makes a rather good paddle, Master [AX20. We're floating out to sea. I only wish we couT}uld see where we're going.Iggy: I really wish you'd stop beating out that annoying rhythm on the sides. I'm paddling as fastuU} as I can.Iggy: I'm using this shoehorn to paddle us over the sewage. The smell out here is horrendous. And I can't see wheruV}e we're going.Iggy: [GO10 Yon shoehorn be a fine paddle Cap'n. We be headin' out to sea, but not to see, if you take my meanuW}ing. Aharr!4[AX60 Even if I felt like going in that direction, which I don't, there's too much trash in the way.Iggy: RealuX}ly, Master [AX20. This is a jacuzzi, not an All-Terrain Vehicle.Iggy: Always doing things the hard way! Just for a change ofuY} pace, why don't we pick a direction with fewer obstructions?Iggy: Come now. You expect me to portage this overgrown canoe auZ}cross 600 feet of treacherous, oil-spattered garbage? How long have you known me, Master [AX20?6Iggy: [GO10 Be ye tryin' tou[} scuttle the ship, Cap'n? Did you not hear the surf breakin' off that wall?Iggy: Belay that order! [GO10 You'll have us up fu\}or wrack and ruin on the reefs! There be a wall out there! I can smell it.Iggy: Arrr, Cap'n, there be a bluff has us boxed iu]}n. I'd give me one good eye for stiff sou'easter!Iggy: Hard astern! Hear it, Cap'n? A wall off the larboard bow. [GO10 We'd u^}be staved in and dragged under afore we got near her.Iggy: We struck a wall, Cap'n Ahabilfad. There be no passage that way! u_}[GO10Iggy: I realize you're too short to see over the side, but doesn't that bumping, grinding, smashing noise suggest that u`}there's a wall of trash in that direction? ua}! Arr, this shoehorn be a sorry substitute for a rower's regret! [GO10 We're sait-5Iggy: Beached we be, Cap'n Ahabilfad. All ashore maties! Last one to the Open Arms buys the 10-W-40! Arrr!Iggy: Aye, we'reyc} docked. Will y'be steppin' aland for a look about, Cap'n? As fair an isle as ever graced the Bounding Main, I'll warrant.Igyd}gy: Aye, Cap'n. Land ho! Prepare to come about! Bahhr, it's a sorry port indeed, but gut me if the hard months a-sea haven't ye}softened me eyes to it!Iggy: Well, beached at last. It's about time![AX60 All right. You can open your eyes now. We've madeyf} landfall.11Iggy: Aye, aye Sorrr. [GO10 Get your backs into those oars lads. We sail for death or glory!Iggy: Hands on decyg}k! Weigh anchor! Reef that skysail you dogs! [GO10 We sail with the tide!Iggy: Arrr, Cap'n. You drive the men too hard. Theyyq}BAX2 BAX1 B AX3 BAX4 B "AX5 B -AX6 B 9AX8 B EAX9 B PAX7 B ]EV1 B jEV2 B wEV3 B EV4 B EV5 BEV6 B EV7 B EV8 B EVA B EVB B EVC B EVD BEVE BEVF B EVG B EVH B %EVI B 0GO1 B ;GO2 B GGO3 BRGO4 B bGO5 BwGO6 B LK1 B LK2 B LK3 B LK4 B LK5 BLK6 B LK7 B LK8 B LK9 B LKA B LKB B LKC BLKD B 'LKE B 3LKF B?LP1 B MLP2 BYOP1 BhOP2 B vPR1 B PR2 B PR3 B PR4 BPR5 B TK1 BTK2 B TK3 BTK4 'll crack afore we round The Horn.Iggy: Aye, aye Cap'n. Set course for the open salt. There be booty aplenty for all! [GO10yr}Iggy: All right, but why do I have to do all the rowing?Iggy: Ah, the life of a sailor. Row here. Row there. The romance of ys}it all. The adventure!Iggy: I'm rowing. I'm rowing. You know, Master. This is the stuff of which mutinies are made.Iggy: Ayyt}e, aye, Sorr. Full ahead. [GO10[AX60 Very well. Off we go again.Iggy: [AX21 Moving on as ordered, Master [AX20.Iggy: Certayu}inly, Master. Rowing jacuzzis is only one of my many talents. I can also [AX12 and [AX13. What would you do without me?yv}ilfad. All ashore maties! Last one to the Open Arms buys the 10-W-40! Arrr!Iggy: Aye, we'rex!4[AX60 In you go.Iggy: [AX21 Watch you don't bump your head on the way in. Goodness knows you've little enough grey matter }x}as it is.Iggy: Fine. You go in first and have a look around. All right, I'm coming. Stop whining; I hate it when you whine.}y}Iggy: It's against my better judgement, Master, but okay. If it'll keep you quiet, let's go in.4Iggy: [AX21 I was just gett}z}ing used to this place. Out we go.[AX60 All right. Let's get out of here.Iggy: Women and droids first! Oh, all right. I sup}{}pose you can come out here too, but you'll have to wear this dress.Iggy: You want to go out? We just got in! Really! I wish }|}you'd make up your mind. Out you go.4Iggy: The only thing I'm going into is a deep depression.Iggy: You're like a homeless}}} snail, Master [AX20. Could we please try to curb this neurotic urge to crawl into things.Iggy: Not on your life! It's all r}~}ight for you to squirm into every filthy nook and cranny that comes along; you're [AX10 and you have [AX11. But I've got my r}}eputation to uphold.Iggy: But Master [AX20, you're already insipid, inept, insufferable, intolerable, incogitant, inarticula}}te, inefficacious, indolent, inane, inappreciative, incoherent, and invertebrate. Isn't that enough?3Iggy: I've been tryin}}g to get out of this one-sided partnership since we met. And look where it's gotten me!Iggy: If you really want out, I'll gl}}adly assist you. I've been programmed to help in any endeavor. That's just the kind of droid I am. Now then, all we need is a}} short length of high-voltage line and an ordinary bucket of water.Iggy: Of course you want out. Look at you! You're [AX10 a}}nd you have [AX11. No one in their right mind would carry that kind of stigma around for as long as you have.}}on't bump your head on the way in. Goodness knows you've little enough grey matter |*11Iggy: Look at this. Look at that. Just like a kid at Disneyland.Iggy: Can I stand the excitement?Iggy: Really, Master. Y}our entertainment threshold has dropped considerably since Lost in Space was taken off the air.Iggy: I would be greatly surp}rised if there were anything worth seeing in this celestial bed pan.Iggy: See Rome and die.Iggy: Oh, I get it. When in doub}t, stall.Iggy: Searching for our intellectual peers are we, Master?Iggy: That's what I love about following you: excitement}, adventure, non-stop action!Iggy: I'm looking. I'm looking.Iggy: We are not window shopping!Iggy: What do I look like, a }tour guide?8Iggy: I can [AX12 and [AX13. But I am not a manufacturing facility. If it isn't here, it isn't here.Iggy: Do y}ou see anything like that around here?Iggy: Tell me, is there any history of chronic hallucination in your family?Iggy: I'm} only equipped to deal with objects in this space-time continuum. I can, however, recommend an excellent neurosurgeon.Iggy: }Oh, I get it. Just because I can't see that doesn't mean it's not here. Afterall, I only have 6 high-input sensory arrays fee}ding two independent processing units. But you have two myopic little eyes feeding one insatiable vacuum.Iggy: Master, could} we try to limit our depravities to those objects one can actually see.Iggy: Trust me. There's nothing like that around here}.Iggy: I've looked everywhere, Master [AX20, and there's no sign of anything like that. Although I did come across a short a}nd hapless sub-humanoid. Just like a kid at Disneyland.Iggy: Can I stand the excitement?Iggy: Really, Master. Y$2Iggy: [AX21 I see an incredibly handsome droid. He seems to be standing near some kind of lower lifeform.Iggy: Beautiful!} You see the way the light reflects off my fusion welds. And the subtle elegance of my flexi-joints. I could look at myself} all day. Did you know that I can [AX13? That's right. Brains and beauty, both.2Iggy: [AX21 I see a lop-eared, little creti}n standing near a brilliant companion droid who was obviously designed for better companions.Iggy: Let's see. You're [AX10 a}nd you have [AX11. All told, you're lucky that Home Lobotomy Kit worked as well as it did.2Iggy: Trash everywhere ... a pal}l of sooty smog ... the cloying effluvium of rancid comestibles. You've been reading that cookbook again, haven't you?Iggy: }Greasy detritus covers the ground in all directions: over-ripe squash, empty tuna cans and broken bottles. It looks a great d}eal like your bunk on the Andromeda Doria.}ncredibly handsome droid. He seems to be standing near some kind of lower lifeform.Iggy: Beautiful!10Iggy: There's trash all around us. And choking smog.Iggy: We're surrounded by trash and deadly smog.Iggy: More trash, mo}re noxious smog.Iggy: Is there no end to this trash?Iggy: This trash smells.Iggy: We're in the middle of a planet fill sit}e.Iggy: This is Dispozon at it's best.Iggy: There's a pall of ochre smog surrounding us.Iggy: It's difficult to see Dispoz}on's charm in this smog.Iggy: I don't know how much longer we can withstand this smog.2Iggy: Interesting, aren't they? I c}an't say what kind of creature made the wet little tracks, but they seem to be covering every inch of the trash around us.Ig}gy: From the looks of those tracks, it appears that something, or rather, a horde of somethings, has recently swarmed up from} the water.2Iggy: The chitinous little monsters are crowding around us. I don't like them, Master [AX20. Make the bad crabs} go away.Iggy: There are hundreds of crabs, snapping their little crab pincers, ogling us with their little crab eyes. You d}on't suppose they're hungry, do you?2[LK10 It's a wrench. It wrenches things.Iggy: Object wrench. Searching data banks. Wr}ench manufactured by Wrechco Inc. Carborundum magnesiate sheathing. Anti-polar rotation. Obsolete design. [0 [PR30}und us. And choking smog.Iggy: We're surrounded by trash and deadly smog.Iggy: More trash, mo2[LK10 The shoehorn is about three feet long - even too big for your duckboats. It looks like it was made for the Giant Shlu}rrs of Orrin Seven.Iggy: The huge shoehorn must have been quite fashionable at one time, with silver filigree and brass tips}. Now, of course, it's covered in toe jam and fermented carrots.2Iggy: The trash wall is four stories high and weighs 9 mil}lion tons. Whatever ill-advised plan is fermenting in that sordid little brain of yours had best not include me.Iggy: Let's }see. Metallic compounds 40 percent, organic matter 36 percent, dirty magazines 9 percent, assorted castoffs and some lovely m}ildewed guacamole.3Iggy: That smog is nasty. Nitrogen 40%, carbon dioxide 35%, oxygen 10%, sulpheric compounds 9%, various }hydrocarbons, trace methane. I told you not to smoke those cheap cigars! Now look what they've done to your growth!Iggy: The} smog is a rather striking shade of ochre. It smells like rotting cabbage and it's slowly eating the lining out of your esoph}agus. Can I have your monogrammed toothbrush when you go?Iggy: Stop looking at the smog and get us out of it! It's peeling m}y finish. If we don't get off this planet soon we're both pot scrubbers.}three feet long - even too big for your duckboats. It looks like it was made for the Giant Shlu2Iggy: Really, Master [AX20, the glass thing is hardly the Hope Diamond. It's dirty and slimy and half-buried in mud on the }shore.Iggy: Ooooh, a shiny glass thing! We just have to get a closer look. Don't worry, I'll wade right out into the muck fo}r you. It doesn't matter if I get slime in my vertical delineators. Not with a shiny glass thing at stake.2Iggy: It's a tin}, Master [AX20. It's made of tin; it smells like tin; it makes little tinny sounds when you ping it! It's also [LK10 The tin} is some type of antique food storage medium, rusty and blotched with mildew. The tin is 2[LK10 It's a filthy old bottle wi}th a kind of gellid brown ooze inside. There's some stained gold lettering on the outside. Let's see. "Dr. McGruder's Hair Re}storer and Carapace Polish, Pat. Pending" In the bottle I see [AX60 Bottles is bottles. This one is old and muddy and slimy.} Who is Pat Pending, anyway? In Pat's bottle I can see 2Iggy: The water is quite the most disgusting assemblage of slime an}d untreated industrial wastes that it's been my misfortune to encounter. Unless you count that visit with your relatives.Igg}y: Composition of liquid waste: petro-chemicals 54%; radioactive sludge 17%; assorted laundry additives 12%; Dilobian hair t}onic, indeterminate concentrations. [0 [PR30} glass thing is hardly the Hope Diamond. It's dirty and slimy and half-buried in mud on the !2[LK10 The drain hole is far too small for your flaccid little body to squirm into, so forget it right now. In the hole I ca}n see Iggy: The hole looks like a hole, Master [AX20. Just as wrecked spaceships look like wrecked spaceships, and short cre}tins with one eyebrow look like short cretins with one eyebrow. In this particular hole is 2Iggy: The jacuzzi is beautifull}y constructed of burgundy ceramalite with classic, brass fittings. It's stylish grace is accented by a clever sprinkling of p}uce mildew. Subtle elegance for those who can afford it. It's sitting on the shore.Iggy: Why would anyone throw away a perfe}ctly good jacuzzi like this. Unless it was the mold, or the soap scum, or the reek of petro-chemicals, or the nameless, squir}ming infestations. Right now it's resting in shallow water.5Iggy: The jacuzzi is a little cramped for two, but quite servic}eable. It helps when you're too short to see over the side.Iggy: This jacuzzi is a vessel more suited for your command than }the Andromeda Doria was. You can't hit asteroids with it, and there aren't any working parts for you to wantonly destroy.Igg}y: Wonderful choice of resting sites, this jacuzzi! Mildew, a horrible stench, and you're too short to reach the top without }help. Although the same might be said of your shoes.Iggy: Ah, yes, in the jacuzzi at last. It's abundantly clear that you re}quire degreasing. But tell me, isn't it customary to draw the bath first?Iggy: The sides of the jacuzzi are too high to see }over, but the view in here more than makes up for it. Mold, slime ... who could ask for more.} for your flaccid little body to squirm into, so forget it right now. In the hole I ca'2[LK10 The cork is surprisingly cork-like in appearance.Iggy: How very unusual. A synthetic rubber cork made of real synthe}tic rubber.2Iggy: Unless I miss my guess, we're looking at the Giant Red Herring of Orrin IV. This particular specimen has }seen better days. It's half-rotted and more than half-buried in that heap of trash to the east.[LK10 The herring is red, and} huge: at least ten feet long, although most of it is buried under a ton of garbage to the east.2Iggy: The lifepod looks ju}st the way you left it: utterly ruined. You've excelled yourself, Master [AX20. There are dents in the airfoil, the heat shie}lds are burned up, the shell is crumpled and all the external couplings are broken.Iggy: I don't think Mr. Lifepod is as hap}py to see you, as you are to see him. Your rather abrupt landing didn't agree with him. The only thing left in one piece is t}he hatch.3Iggy: The pod's internal lights seem to be working. But everything else is a fused mass of siliform plastic. It's} nothing more than a burnt out shell. Now we'll have to find another way off this planet.Iggy: Look at the mess you've made }of this pod. Go on, look at it! You can't tell a Primary Capacitor from a Stabilizer Influx Delineator. Everything's burned. }I hope you've lined up alternative transportation.Iggy: The interior of the lifepod is a scorched ruin. Everything's melted }into the floor. I told you not to let your insurance premiums lapse! This thing will never fly again! How are we going to lea}ve the planet now?k-like in appearance.Iggy: How very unusual. A synthetic rubber cork made of real synthe$2[LK10 The can opener was part of the lifepod's emergency equipment.Iggy: The opener is made of solid beryllium carbonate. }It would stand up to anything. Some engineer must have had the silly notion that the lifepod would be seared to a crisp by po}or piloting.2[LK10 The sardine is covered in a savory sauce of hot tobasco and lemon. It's slopping around in the tin.Iggy}: Look at it? I can't even stand the smell of sardines! It's in the tin. Look at it yourself. And while you're at it, make su}re there aren't any more of them in there!2Iggy: The spaceship is an old Class 6 Scout. I haven't seen one like this since }my days at the Academy. It seems to be in pretty good shape, for a Class 6. Bit of paint, some chintz curtains maybe, ...Igg}y: What a piece of junk. That spaceship must be 200 years old. No wonder it ended up in scrap heaven. And people actually use}d to trust their lives to this old clunker.3Iggy: What a wreck. The whole interior of the ship has been gutted. No body cus}hions, no monitors, no gauges, no gravity replicators. Not much left of the old girl.Iggy: Perfect. The interior of the ship} is missing. Almost everything is gone. Someone did a good job of stripping down this old hulk before they trashed it. And an}other someone has rigged up some cheap controls.Iggy: This spaceship was cannibalized, Master. Every wire, terminal and cons}ole was taken. It's just a shell in here, with some jury-rigged electronics.}he lifepod's emergency equipment.Iggy: The opener is made of solid beryllium carbonate. $2Iggy: The poor kitten looks starved. Its fur is all matted and greasy. I don't doubt for a second that it's infested with f}leas.Iggy: The scrawny kitten is orange and black ... I think. It's hard to tell beneath all that grime. Now why do you supp}ose it's spitting and hissing like that? Do you suppose it's hungry?2Iggy: The cave is built up of the trash around it. It'}s hard to see in this fog. The entrance is dark and there's a horrible stench in the air ... even more horrible than usual. I} don't like the looks of it, Master.Iggy: The cave is just a black opening in a mound of trash. I don't think we should intr}ude further on Mr. Drog's privacy. Let's go back to the jacuzzi, Master.3Iggy: It's almost too dark in here to see. Shadows} and whirling smog. The smell is ... Well! You could at least have the common courtesy to wait for me to finish before you st}art gagging.Iggy: Why, look at that, Master. The cave is indeed built up of rotting trash, oozing litter ... Well of course }you want to know what it's made of of. Don't be silly. Maggot-ridden refuse. Decomposing slime. Fascinating, isn't it?Iggy: }I don't like this. No, no, no. Let's just back on out of here, hm? It's dank and smelly and dim, and I don't think it's very }healthy place for innocent companion droids.}rved. Its fur is all matted and greasy. I don't doubt for a second that it's infested with f!3Iggy: We seem to be in some kind of pump room, Master. It smells like sewage in here, and from the look of it, it was fille}d with the stuff not too long ago. The floor and walls are wet but unbroken.Iggy: This must be where the water level is cont}rolled. It looks like some kind of pumping station. It smells like some kind of pumping station!Iggy: We're in a large metal} room. It's damp and dripping and smelly. Off-hand I'd say this was a pumping station. The level of sludge on the surface mus}t be regulated automatically.2[LK10 The cubicle is about six feet high and six on each side. There's a single door.Iggy: I} have no idea what this cubicle was used for. It's just a big cube with a door on one side. Probably made of some kind of pol}ymeric complex.3Iggy: The interior of the cubicle is as unadorned as the exterior. Some kind of transportation device, I'd }guess.Iggy: There's nothing to see in here. The cubicle is plain and unbroken. The only working part is the door.Iggy: Big }deal. Four blank walls, a blank ceiling and a blank floor. I can't imagine what this cubicle is for, unless it's some kind of} alien transmatter relay terminal.2[LK10 The huge conduit opens into the ceiling far above my head, and even farther above }yours. There's no way to get to it.Iggy: The conduit's enormous! It's mouth is directly above us, thirty feet up. That must }be the way the pod got here. The conduit fills the room with water periodically and the pod got sucked down with it.}f pump room, Master. It smells like sewage in here, and from the look of it, it was fille$2[LK10 The lifepod's hatch is a little sooty but it appears to be in working order. It's Iggy: You've managed to pretty muc}h obliterate the pod, but the hatch has only a few minor dents and scratches. Would you care to try for a perfect write-off? }The hatch is 2Iggy: The cubicle door is a standard tri-bolt mechanical with a custom-built breach sensor. I've seen them be}fore. Right now it's [LK10 A door is a door is a door. Sometimes they're open. Sometimes they're closed. The cubicle's door }is 2Iggy: Like everything else on the ship, the airlock is an antique. It must weigh three hundred pounds. They don't build} them like that anymore. It took a lot of effort to get it Iggy: I saw an airlock like this in the Museum of Hyperspace Tech}nology on Morris' Planet. You're looking at a lot of credits to the right dealer. The ship's airlock is 2Iggy: Well now, it}'s a very delicate, sealed, glass vial with some kind of liquid inside. Wait, there's a label: "Dr. McGruder's Hair Restorer }and Protoplasm Dessicant".[AX60 If you've seen one vial of Dr. McGruder's Hair Restorer and Protoplasm Dessicant, you've see}n them all.2Iggy: Horrid creatures! The giant amoebae are just bloated sacks of quivering protoplasm. No wonder they're sli }thering all over you. They think you're one of them!Iggy: Those huge slimy amoebae are the product of generations of chemo-m }utation. Disgusting protoplasmic wretches! They're trying to absorb us, Master! I don't want to be an amoeba! Do something! }tle sooty but it appears to be in working order. It's Iggy: You've managed to pretty muc$2[LK10 The wooden box is stained and crusted with age. Right now it's Iggy: [AX21 The old box is built of wood, with gilded } borders and faded green flowers. The brass hinges are covered in verdigris and they're 2Iggy: The battery charger is prett}y old. It looks like it was built for deuterium cells. See? They used to sit right inside there, and then you recharged them }with that switch. Right now the charger is holding Iggy: [AX21 I've seen battery chargers in better shape. The wiring is a l}ittle corroded and the insulation is mildewed. But it looks like it might still work, if the switch is open. Inside I can see} 2[LK10 It's a simple recharger switch, Master. It's either open or closed, and at the moment it's Iggy: The switch opens }to send current from the charger's thermonic core to the battery at a flux ratio of E2(339.788)/AM+1. Satisfied? By the way, }the switch is 2Iggy: [AX21 It's an old battery, Master. Hm. Deuterium cell, low influx rating, Siliform casing. Not exactly} on the cutting edge.Iggy: Big deal. It's an antique spaceship ignition battery. They cranked them out by the thousand two h}undred years ago.2Iggy: [AX21 The housing is meant to hold the ship's ignition battery. Inside I can see [LK10 You act as }though you'd never seen a battery housing. Battery goes in there, charge comes out here, presto: ignition. That is, if everyt}hing's still working. The housing is holding }d crusted with age. Right now it's Iggy: [AX21 The old box is built of wood, with gilded$2Iggy: Quaint isn't it? These old freighters only used about 6.5 million ERG's. The fuel cell fits into the port right there} ... will you stop nodding off and pay attention, there'll be a quiz afterwards. In the port is Iggy: [AX21 Well, well, well}. There's something you don't see everyday. It's an antique fuel port. The ship must use a linear particulate fuel cell. They}'re hard to find, nowadays. It's supposed to go in right there where you see 2Iggy: My, my. What a find. It's a vintage lin}ear particulate fuel cell in perfect condition. Many credits. Look at those isochambers shine! And the flux modulation delimi}ter is flawless! Many, many credits!Iggy: Do you know what this is? Silly me, of course you don't. You're [AX10 and you have} [AX11. This, my short and ill-mannered Master, is the fuel cell from a particle drive engine. There can't be 6 of them left }in the universe.2Iggy: Oh puh-leeze, Master [AX20. It's just a coolant pump, and not a very good one. You know. Coolant pum!}p? Pumps coolant? Keeps the ship's drive from overheating? Look in there, where the piston goes. What do you see? You see [A"}X60 Yes. A pump. Fascinating. And look in the piston breach. How remarkable: 2Iggy: [AX21 The siphon is just an electro- me#}chanical vacuum device for drawing overflow into the lines, much as your brain is an electro- physiological vacuum device for$} drawing air into your head. Inside I see Iggy: The siphon pump is old and rusty. Probably hasn't been used in years. From t%}he look of that wet algae, I'd say it's submerged periodically. In the piston breach I can see &}ghters only used about 6.5 million ERG's. The fuel cell fits into the port right there'2[LK10 Pistons go up and down, up and down, up and down.Iggy: [AX21 Off-hand I'd say the piston was in pretty good shape. S(}olid carbonite. It would take a tracking-laser to cut through it. Almost as tough as the bony shell surrounding your cranium.)}2Iggy: Don't touch that! Someone's obviously jury-rigged that circuit breaker to engage the ship's ignition sequence. Hm. T*}hey seemed to know what they were doing. The housing connections look okay. At the moment, the breaker's Iggy: The circuit b+}reaker is wired into the ship's ignition housing. Not a bad job. All the original connections were torn out a long time ago. ,}It looks like we aren't the only ones trying to get off this planet. The breaker's 2Iggy: Some throttle. It looks like it w-}as taken from an old turbo mining auger. Really! Did they honestly expect that thing to initiate lift-off? The so-called thro.}ttle is [LK10 My, my, my. A ludicrous little throttle. Well, there's the connection to the ship's fuel port. I wonder if thi/}s thing would actually activate the thrusters. Right now it's 2Iggy: Hm? There's a femur, and a tibia, and oh, look at that0}! A skull! What a find! Small cranial capacity, prominent brow-ridge, no chin. Friend of yours?Iggy: Big deal, humanoid bone1}s and skulls. This is a deserate struggle for survival, not an impromptu osteology seminar!2}p and down, up and down.Iggy: [AX21 Off-hand I'd say the piston was in pretty good shape. S!2Iggy: It's just a slip-seal interlock deportment flange from a series 17 lock-back graviton transducer. Probably only worth4} a couple of credits.[LK10 Yep. It's a flange all right.2Iggy: [AX21 I'm not an expert on domestic engineering duties, but5} off-hand I'd say this plunger was designed to unstop plugged drains.[AX60 Hm. Pearl handle, genuine rubber cap. Obviously a6} higher grade of plunger, Master.2Iggy: And what a meatball! Still covered in the dried residue of a savory tomato sauce, r7}eplete with oregano, garlic, basil and onion. Here, let me wipe off the maggots so you can get a closer look.[LK10 This is a8} planet-fill site, not an Italian restaurant. Who cares what the meatball looks like?2Iggy: What a find! The coupon gives y9}ou 4 credits off the price of a Grommian sling-stacker when you buy 2 at the regular price!Iggy: I've been looking everywher:}e for a coupon like this! Grommian sling-stackers at four credits off! I know a domestic droid who'll trade six blundorker co;}upons for just one of these!2Iggy: It's a pan, Master. You must have seen pans before. This tiny one is used in the ancient<} Pendagian art of cadsilapsi, "to be exquisitely cooking one's own nostril hairs in oil".Iggy: [AX21 It's a tiny little fryi=}ng pan from one of those fancy Pendagian restaurants. I never cared for them myself. They put too much food in the oil. And t>}he prices!erlock deportment flange from a series 17 lock-back graviton transducer. Probably only worth!5Iggy: Don't mention it.Iggy: Somewhat less than eloquent, but I'm not one to split hairs. You're welcome.Iggy: Oh, no, it@}'s me who should thank you for the opportunity to serve your every whim.Iggy: No need to thank me. Following orders is my liA}fe. Obedience is my only reward.Iggy: Well, it's about time!10Iggy: After all I've done for you, is that all you're going B}to say?Iggy: This from a sub-humanoid who owes me his life? Whatever happened to common courtesy? Whatever happened to the sC}ocial graces?Iggy: All I ever wanted to do is be helpful. Even to lop-eared cretins like you. And what thanks do I get?IggyD}: That's gratitude! And after I single-handedly saved your miserable life! Oh why didn't I stay on Regulon III? They put boorE}s to death there.Iggy: Oh, so this is the thanks I get. Why do I waste my talents on you? Why do I waste my expertise, my wiF}sdom, my incredible foresight?Iggy: Is it too much to hope for a little recognition now and then? I follow every order; I obG}ey every command, no matter how twisted, no matter how inane, no matter how ill-advised, infantile, reckless, or mindless.IgH}gy: Goodness knows I try to be a useful servant. I wipe the dribble off your chin; I listen to your constant babble; I save yI}our life. Must I suffer the scourge of your atrocious manners as well?Iggy: No, no. Please, you've thanked me enough alreadyJ}. It's only your life I saved. After all, what are my huge sacrifices compared to your happiness?Iggy: I'm not the kind of dK}roid who needs constant acknowledgement.Iggy: I don't ask for much. A kind word here, a thoughtful gesture there.L}t less than eloquent, but I'm not one to split hairs. You're welcome.Iggy: Oh, no, it'4Iggy: All right, all right. I forgive you. Stand up and stop grovelling all over my ambulators.Iggy: Well, I suppose I couN}ld let it go, just this once. I must be getting soft. I never used to be so lenient. What would my programmers say?Iggy: I aO}ccept your apology. I have been programmed for truly magnanimous gestures. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.IggyP}: Get some backbone, you sorry, snivelling little toadie. You gave in too easily! I was just getting warmed up. Are there no Q}challenges left?9Iggy: I only listen to my master. You remember him: short, dumpy-looking ... apologetic.Iggy: Oh, cruel aR}nd unrepentant Master [AX20. Oh, poor and ill-used Iggy.Iggy:Iggy: Am I a stone? Have I no feelings? If you cut me, do I noS}t exude?Iggy: Unloved, and hurt by the only sub-humanoid who mattered to him, the little droid quietly flung himself into thT}e abyss of despair. Where's that deck of cards?Iggy: No, no. Save your contrition. Don't worry about my feelings. You just gU}o on as though nothing happened. I'll get by somehow.Iggy: You don't care if I live or die! If I dropped at your feet you'd V}walk on me!Iggy: After what you said to me? HA!! Rule number 617, Companion Droid's Handbook: "Never forgive. Never forget."W}Iggy: Iggy, Companion Droid, Serial number I6G-Series E.X}orgive you. Stand up and stop grovelling all over my ambulators.Iggy: Well, I suppose I cou!3Iggy: Personally, I prefer not to use myself as a battering ram, but your lack of stature suggests that you have no such reZ}servations. Be my guest. Call me if you make it.Iggy: Might I suggest opening the entrance first, Master [AX20. I know it's [}mundane, but other adventurers swear by it. And they have all their teeth.Iggy: Please, Master [AX20! How many times must we\} go over this? Open things are for walking through; closed things are for bludgeoning out one's atrophied little brains on. I]}f you'd only listened sooner ...6Iggy: I'd be glad to open it, Master [AX20. Hmm. It appears to be stuck. Perhaps if we use^}d a blunt instrument ... and wedged it in like this. Oh stop whining! It's not like you had a use for that head of yours! The_}re, got it!Iggy: [AX21 There, are you satisfied now? It's open. See how that works? It's closed again. Now it's open. Closed`}. Open. Amazing what modern science can do, isn't it?Iggy: [AX21 It's open.Iggy: And to think I spent 4 years in a quantum a}mechanics lab for this. Sigh, okay, Master [AX20, it's open.Iggy: Opening as instructed. Command complete. Command complete.b} [0 [PR30[AX60 All right, I've opened it.5[AX60 There. It's closed.Iggy: Of course. Closing things is only one of my manyc} talents. I can also [AX12 and [AX13. Am I not a versatile and indispensible servant? A paragon of modesty and servitude?Iggd}y: [AX21 There, I closed it. Can we get on with this little travesty? Hmm? Can we?Iggy: Affirmative. Closing as ordered. Acte}ion complete. Action complete. [0 [PR30Iggy: If I close it, you're just going to tell me to open it again. Oh, very well, itf}'s closed ... but only for the moment, I'm sure.g}self as a battering ram, but your lack of stature suggests that you have no such re*3Iggy: The only thing that opens around here is your mouth. Nothing intelligible comes out, of course, but it does open rathi}er smoothly. A great deal of practice, I imagine.Iggy: Why don't we try opening your myopic little eyes instead? Or, better j}yet, your mind. I'm well versed in micro-surgery.Iggy: I've been designed to open conversations and bank accounts, Master [Ak}X20. Let's try not to push our luck, hm?3Iggy: I'd much prefer to close your mouth. Would you please stop that incessant drl}ooling!Iggy: You want me to close what? Come now, Master [AX20, these little excursions of yours into infra-temporal dimensim}oning have simply got to stop.Iggy: Well at least you've picked up the rudiments of sentence structure. Yes, "close" is a fin}ne verb. Now if we could only get you to match it with an appropriate object.3Iggy: It's already open. I do wish you'd makeo} up your mind. On second thought, maybe you did make it up. That would explain the shoddy construction.Iggy: It's open, as yp}ou'd notice if you took the slightest interest in your surroundings. Really, Master [AX20! Even catatonic slugs show more reaq}ction to environmental stimuli than you seem able to manage.[AX60 How much further open do you want it?3Iggy: Calm yourselr}f, Master [AX20. It's already closed. There, there. Stop dribbling. You see? It's completely closed. I can well imagine how ys}ou mistook it for open.Iggy: And so the long-suffering droid pretends to obey, fearful of rousing his cruel master's ire by t}telling him it was already closed.Iggy: It's already closed. Next redundant command please.u}d here is your mouth. Nothing intelligible comes out, of course, but it does open rath'10Iggy: Non-sequiter. Non-sequiter. [0 [PR30Iggy: Processing error. Verb indecipherable. [0 [PR30Iggy: Request denied! Nexw}t case.Iggy: You think that's exciting? The Chameleon People of The Rim go to clearance sales disguised as pillar five.Iggyx}: And you call yourself an adventurer! In the Atropin System they suck bristle-cones through soda straws. Now that's adventury}e! That's guts. That's pain!Iggy: You're always interrupting my contemplations. I wouldn't mind so much if you had somethingz} to say. But this, this endless prattle ...Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. And yes, on occasion I have been known to{} [AX13. But even a companion droid must maintain some decorum.Iggy: Master [AX20, puuh-leeze! If you wish me to do something|}, say so in a universally recognized language. I'm not a mindreader, and in your case, I don't have the time for light fictio}}n.Iggy: [AX22 I don't do things like that. One doesn't live this long on good looks alone.Iggy: I should never have insiste~}d that you think ahead. Your rudimentary nervous system has obviously overloaded.}sequiter. [0 [PR30Iggy: Processing error. Verb indecipherable. [0 [PR30Iggy: Request denied! Nex9Iggy: Language assimilation variance. [0 [PR30Iggy: Non-executable directive. [0 [PR30Iggy: I'm not that kind of Droid.Iҁ}ggy: What's that, Master [AX20? Your impression of human speech?Iggy: That's for babies. In the rainforests of Jonga, adult ҂}males tie themselves to sleeping dragon cats. Nice planet, Jonga. You'd like it. Contented dragon cats ... friendly women.Ig҃}gy: [AX22 I've gone 200 years without experiencing that particular thrill. I see no reason to start now.Iggy: Sissy stuff. M҄}y old master, Enzo, used to perform the Humanoid Cannonball act without a helmet. And he was still smarter than you ... and t҅}aller.Iggy: Master [AX20, if you're looking for a break from the ordinary, I know something rather entertaining that you can҆} do with whipped cream and a pocket watch.Iggy: [AX22 You've already done enough to this planet without thinking up new dept҇}hs of depravity in which to mire yourself.҈}ation variance. [0 [PR30Iggy: Non-executable directive. [0 [PR30Iggy: I'm not that kind of Droid.I13Iggy: I spent 200 years training myself not to speak like that ... fighting and clawing my way up from the silicon gutter ֊}of BASIC Programming ... and you, YOU blow it all on a stupid whim.Iggy: Like it, Master? That's one of the first languages ֋}I learned at the Droid Academy. I can also [AX12 and [AX13. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.Iggy: All right. I֌}'m a machine. I've learned to admit that now. I take therapy, you know.Iggy: Oh, oh. My sophisticated veneer is slipping.Ig֍}gy: So I sound like an insta-teller? I'm a droid. What do you want I should do, recite Shakespeare maybe?Iggy: Oooo, I hate ֎}it when I talk like that.Iggy: Listen to that! They warned me at the clinic not to hook myself up with sub-humanoids. My old֏} habits are showing through already. You've ruined me! And I thought I was cured.Iggy: All right, you know I'm a machine. I ֐}would have told you eventually. Does this mean the engagement's off?Iggy: Okay, so I missed a few Human Relations and Commun֑}ications classes. Big deal.Iggy: I think my silicon is showing.Iggy: Would you listen to that! I'm devolving into a lower f֒}orm! My memory will shrink, I'll lose the ability to self-motivate ... they'll use me to dice carrots!Iggy: That's the last ֓}straw! Now the smog's affected my speech ingrains. I'll be a wreck if we don't get off this planet soon. And look at that! My֔} finish is peeling! Why does it always happen to me?Iggy: It's tough keeping up the stereotype.֕}myself not to speak like that ... fighting and clawing my way up from the silicon gutter $9Iggy: Object required. Object required. [0 [PR30Iggy: Command incomplete. Command incomplete. [0 [PR30Iggy: Sentence struڗ}cture error. Object not found. [0 [PR30Iggy: Master [AX20, in the immediate vicinity alone there are any number of objects uژ}pon which one might perform the act you describe. Do you think you could narrow down the field somewhat?Iggy: It is customarڙ}y, Master [AX20, to supply an object with that type of verb, a subtle nicety of language I hardly expect you to appreciate.Iښ}ggy: You'll have to be just a little more specific if you expect me to rush off on your ill-advised errands.Iggy: When you rڛ}egain full use of your left hemisphere, I'll consider letting you use intransitive verbs. But for now, please try to include ڜ}some manner of object.Iggy: You've forgotten again! Simple sentence structure: verb, object! I'll overlook it this time becaڝ}use I know you're not in full possession of your faculties. I only hope I never meet the other six owners.Iggy: I've learnedڞ} to overlook your inability to generate rational decisions. But must you spew them out half-finished?ڟ}ject required. [0 [PR30Iggy: Command incomplete. Command incomplete. [0 [PR30Iggy: Sentence stru5Iggy: 20 questions? Great. You're a vegetable, right?Iggy: Well, at least you have sense enough to realize that you know aޡ}bsolutely nothing.Iggy: Your entire life is a question, screaming for an answer.Iggy: It amazes me how so many questions caޢ}n fit in so small a space.Iggy: Yet another question. You're living proof that nature abhors a vacuum.4Iggy: I see your liޣ}ps moving, but nothing's coming out.Iggy: Practising our mime, are we?Iggy: Are we taking our little nappy-poo?Iggy: Unspeޤ}akable danger to all sides and old [AX20 nods off.ޥ}tions? Great. You're a vegetable, right?Iggy: Well, at least you have sense enough to realize that you know a3Iggy: I'll grant you, I'm a very likeable droid. But don't you think carrying myself around in my pocket is just a little n}arcissistic?Iggy: I can take myself any time. The difficulty here is figuring out how to take you.Iggy: While an amusing pa}stime, perhaps, self aquisition is hardly a solution to our current dilemma, Master [AX20.7Iggy: [AX22 I'm a companion droi}d, not a freighter!Iggy: [AX22 You've no idea where that's been.Iggy: If you'll read your owner's manual carefully, you'll }see that warehousing things like that will void my warranty.Iggy: Be reasonable, Master [AX20. Even if I did manage to put t}hat in my receptacle, what would you DO with it? You've already bought your Christmas presents.Iggy: [AX22 I refuse to clutt}er up my dorsal receptacle with things like that! It's simply not dignified.Iggy: This obsessive trash collecting has simply} got to stop! I am not about to turn myself into a garbage truck for your amusement!Iggy: Quick lesson in supply and demand.} While that may seem a valuable commodity in your fevered little mind, this planet is testimony that an entire galaxy is doin}g its best to divest itself of objects very much like it.}very likeable droid. But don't you think carrying myself around in my pocket is just a little n2Iggy: I'll carry dirty oil filters and bent nails, but if you think for one minute that I'm going to soil my dorsal recepta}cle with the stuff that's hanging all over you ...Iggy: You're not my type. I wouldn't pick you up if you were the last girl} at the dance! By the way, can you Samba?10Iggy: Am I a garbage truck? My manipulatory extensors were designed with the sub}tlety of a surgeon's hands. You've no idea the kind of havoc this sort of sordid manual labor plays with them. Fine! I've got} the Iggy: Oh, wonderful. I can see the headlines now - "Hampster Droid Chokes Cramming Cheeks While Master Packrat Looks On}". In goes the Iggy: Is this your idea of a perk? Allowing me to stagger home with as much garbage as I can carry? My recept}acle now holds the smelly Iggy: Garbage picker. Oh, you're absolutely right! What collection would be complete without the p}riceless Iggy: Okay, but if I blow a servo picking this up, you're the one who's going to pay for the service call. There. S}atisfied? I've taken the Iggy: They're going to hear about this at my next Droid Rights Meeting. My receptacle now holds the} filthy Iggy: Look, if you want souvenirs of our trip, why not just buy a postcard like everyone else. All right, I suppose }I could pick up the Iggy: In an alternate universe, your double is filling his cupboards with swizzle sticks. In goes the I}ggy: We're fighting for our lives, not browsing through a department store. [AX21 My dorsal receptacle now contains the Iggy}: What is this, a yard sale? Yes, do let's pick up the lovely, lovely }d bent nails, but if you think for one minute that I'm going to soil my dorsal recepta'4Iggy: It isn't enough I have to pick up every stray bit of shiny trash that catches your myopic little eyes? Now you want m}e to pick up things I already have?Iggy: If you bothered to remember all the trash you have me picking up, you'd remember th}at I've already carried that particularly noisome piece of it far longer than I care to remember! Remember?Iggy: As always, }Master [AX20, I'm way ahead of you. I already picked that up some time ago. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.Igg}y: Inventory tabulations seem to reveal the presence of said object in dorsal storage already.4Iggy: Oh, this is monstrous!} Loaded down like a common transport droid. The ignominity of it all! The lack of hygiene! The smell! I won't stand for it. W}e'll see who gets the last laugh here.Iggy: Don't worry about me, Master. I'll just struggle along with a burden far too lar}ge for a companion droid to bear. No, no. Don't give it a thought.Iggy: It's odd how slippery everything gets when you're ov}erloaded like this. Don't you think so, Master [AX20?Iggy: Lucky for you I'm so agreeable. Other droids might complain. Othe}r droids might refuse to carry loads like this. Other droids might accidentally drop things.} to pick up every stray bit of shiny trash that catches your myopic little eyes? Now you want m9Iggy: Finally! I knew you'd come to your senses sooner or later and discard the Iggy: Well, it's about time! Do you have a}ny idea how heavy those things are? Crash goes the Iggy: There now. My dorsal receptacle is much lighter without the pondero}us Iggy: If you didn't want it, why did you have me pick it up in the first place? Really, Master [AX20! Out goes the Iggy:} Certainly, Master [AX20. I'm not designed to be a pack animal after all. If you had a highly sophisticated neutron dissemble}r, would you use it to stir your coffee? I'll gladly drop the Iggy: Ejecting flotsam as ordered. Watch your head, Master [AX}9Iggy: Finally! I knew you'd come to your senses sooner or later and discard the Iggy: Well, it's about time! Do you have a}